I’ve Been Robbed

I asked someone if they had contemplated suicide and their response was: ‘Yes, but if I went through with it I’d never know what happens next…’

I am not contemplating suicide, just being dramatic. Life these days is interesting to say the least. Since arriving I have been 🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫ed so many ways and the latest takes the prize. Upon returning home late this evening I found my apartment ransacked. First I thought it’s bloody messy, then I realized that everything was pulled out of all my drawers and dread set in… I was robbed. 

For what you ask?

• One month salary: 12,150 RMB
• Canadian Passport – They tell me a Canadian passport fetches $5K USD on the black market… I wonder how many hoops I must skip through to secure a replacement.
• All my credit cards and bank cards
• My beloved camcorder and a lot of Alexander The Grandpa video tapes, which broke my heart

Thank golly my beloved computer was slung over my shoulder, safe and sound.

The police came, dusted for fingerprints, captured footprints and poked about but really what could they do? 

Goddamn it… It could be worse, right? I have managed to find an upside with my adversity – it’s content. Now I have so much more to complain about. And I suspect many of you are surprised with my newfound optimism. Writers, comedians, artists, the whole lot spend their entire lives digging around for content and storylines. I’m reminded of Eddie Murphy describing his early stand-up routine, taking a shit because that was the extent of his life experience. Here I am, tragedy constantly dropping in my lap. Dearest readers, I have decided to turn myself into a cartoon and from now on I will be known as Mister Goldberg, or you can call me Mr. G. Follow the twisted tales of Mister Goldberg, An Alien in 🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫. I’ve always wanted to be a cartoon. It’s rich, admit it…

Good times…