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Surreal Scenes 1
Part 11
July 22, 2002
Dear Diary,
This week was fantastic, the weather cooled and I wasn’t in a constant pool of sweat. I scored heaps of floor hockey goals and even got invited to a tournament in Thailand. I also sent out my 🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫 gallery proposals, and last Friday was officially one of the most surreal scenes I have ever experienced.
My adventure began at a discotheque with some fine wine and my equally intoxicated Good Buddy Roy. We were enjoying the club’s Art Deco architecture with another good buddy, JD, who returned to our table with an invitation to join some pretty girls. JD was ecstatic, like a miner who struck gold. He explained that his new friends were extremely pleasing to the eye. I chuckled and explained I could hardly move, let alone maintain a conversation. “Can they join us?” Within minutes our table transformed into a smorgasbord of fruit, flowers, sparkler shots and our new friends: two ladies and a massive foreign bodybuilder ironically named Tiny. After the customary introductory toasts the banter began.
JD assumed the role of MC and his show commenced. Spewing out an endless array of one liners, JD proceeded to seduce our newfound female friends. His eye was set on a pretty girl we’ll call The Star of the Show – Star for short. In response to JD’s showmanship, Star was filled with flailing fits of flirty laughter and giddy-glee. Good Buddy Roy was seated on the other side of Star, across from JD. With every joke JD spun, Star slapped Good Buddy Roy’s knee in a gesture akin to ‘OMG that’s so funny.’ It appeared Star was taken by Good Buddy Roy. The slapping grew more intense, climaxing with Star laying all over Good Buddy Roy, who grew uncomfortable, because Tiny, the giant bodybuilder, was watching all of this unfold and no one knew who he was and how he was related to these women. JD turned his attention to the other girl and Star started softly petting Good Buddy Roy and then wrapped herself around him.
Who, dear readers, was The Star of the Show? She was extremely flamboyant, wealthy and quite charming. As the evening progressed, everyone with the exception of Tiny proceeded to suck back drinks, that’s when things transitioned to a slow-motion surreality. Tiny, who was surreal by his very size, was eventually introduced as Star’s personal trainer. JD befriended Tiny, entertaining him with a host of subjects including my favourite perennial Canadian conversation: Quebec separation.
Meanwhile, Good Buddy Roy was acquainting himself with The Star of the Show. She had pacified and they were getting it on. I later learned that at one point, Good Buddy Roy was literally inside Star while they were seated beside me, all of us innocently conversing.
JD gained a second wind and started another set of jokes entertaining the table, which in turn inspired Star to begin her second act. She was a prop comic and pulled out her camera. Following my lead of flashing people in the face with my Pretec DC530 camera, she started flashing everyone in the face too.
It was getting late, I was ready for sleep and planned to depart so I discreetly excused myself and slipped into the potty. When I exited the washroom I was surprised and slightly terrified to find Tiny, arms crossed waiting for me. ‘Hey man, are you leaving?’ he asked. “What? me… leaving… no-no…” I replied, fearing for my life. ‘Ah ok, I was going to walk you out and make sure no one FUCKED with you,’ he responded. “Oh thanks, I am ok… going to stick around for a bit longer.” I stammered. ‘Oh good, we are having such a good time.’ He said putting one hand on my shoulder and guiding me back to the table like a child.
I was perplexed, why did Tiny take such an interest in me and who were our party friends? The Star of the Show at first glance appeared to be 🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫🀫 but on further inspection I realized she was a halfie. Tiny looked slightly Asian, but he wasn’t. Russians possibly? “Personal trainer” The Star of the Show repeated for the fourth time in synchronicity with my inner voice. She was still wrapped up with Good Buddy Roy. Was she crazy rich and was Tiny her bodyguard, I wondered? Alternatively, could it be something more nefarious: do they want to harvest our organs as I had read in the news just before departing on this particular evening? Paranoia set in. I leaned over and told Good Buddy Roy what happened at the potty and my ridiculous plot. ‘What! Tiny waited for you outside the restroom… Organs? Say what! “Don’t wake up in a tub of ice missing your kidneys” I joked.
All of a sudden, The Star of the Show went off like a firecracker. ‘No!!!” she screamed and hurled her camera against the wall – remember she is a prop comic. Within seconds security and the manager converged on the scene. A very intoxicated JD began scolding The Star of the Show ‘don’t throw cameras.’ ‘It doesn’t matter,’ she retorted, pointing to the manager, ‘he’s my friend.’ To our surprise the manager nodded in confirmation, “yes, best friend,” he replied sardonically and handed the camera back to The Star of the Show. This proved to be a mistake because she took aim and sent the camera flying towards his face.
With all the excitement I made my escape; I rolled to the ground like a commando, slipped around the corner and scurried my little ass down the stairs, dove into a taxi and off to home I went. As the taxi drove into the distance the club went up in a fiery ball of flames and I got to keep my organs…
